Let’s cut straight to the chase – you are here because you are way too happy. It’s ENOUGH!!! You need some sadness, some worries, some depression but you don’t know how to get there? My friend, we are here to the rescue with some excellent tips for all of those who want to know how to be unhappy. You might wonder: “Wait a second… is Tobi really qualified to give me those tips?”
Let me assure you, I am a great grandmaster when it comes to the subject of inducing unnecessary suffering on the spot. I have been practicing the secret arts of “pointless worrying” and “feeling bad about myself for no apparent reason” for approximately 3 decades. On top of that I became a certified international instructor of “What might other people think about me?” back in 1989.
I am about to show you my 5 top-secret tips which I have kept secret just until today. I figured that this world is becoming an increasingly happier place over the last 5 years. People are enjoying themselves and each other, they are kind, considerate, intelligent and mindful – they meditate, they practice Yoga and drink green smoothies. There are practically no wars and everyone is happy about the way things go it seems. I know… disgusting!
So what are we waiting for. The 5 tips the world has been waiting for:
1 Think as Much as you Possibly Can
This one is a truly powerful tip! If you would like to feel tense, stressed and constantly wired – go for this one. You could think of anything – at all times preferably. Why just take a shower in the morning when you could think yourself into the meeting room, worrying about your presentation? Why enjoy and actually taste your meal when you could think about the possibility that your insurance might not cover your imaginary accident that could happen three weeks from now?
The possibilities are surely endless when it comes to thinking. Your life will never be the same again once you are unconsciously doing your chores on autopilot. All that while you are dreaming about the life which is hopefully maybe soon about to happen for you – if you do everything the right way! You say the future is not your thing? Hey – we got you covered with the past! Why not simply regret things you did way back? Or another classic: “Life was much better in the 90’s”. Who needs peace when you can keep yourself awake at night showing your spouse how you were right all along – in your head?
2 Get Offended
This is the year of being triggered! Why not join the club of outrage and complain about something? There’s much to choose from, really. Just open your eyes and you will find so many awful things to feel bad about. Once you feel bad, make sure to let your friends know – the will have to agree and join the club! But if they don’t agree you will have more material for pointless arguments and heavy emotions. It’s a win-win!
You could get offended by political topics, abuse, wars, torture, inequality, bankers, social trends, peoples eating habits or their bad Yoga practice – the list is truly endless. And that’s fantastic, because your outrage will not easily come to an end. Imagine a world where everybody feels completely offended by everyone else. I know – this is exactly what everybody wants, so let’s keep this trend going with your very personal contribution of outrage. And if you find nothing to be angry and offended about, how about using this article itself? Always remember – a true master of unhappiness can even manage to find offense in humor!
3 Compare Yourself to Other People
You want instant trouble? Then go with this one! We all know that there are so many people on this planet who are so much better in so many areas. Look at them – then look back at yourself. As a wise man in a commercial once said: “Look at your husband… Now look back at me! Sadly your husband isn’t me!”
This is a fantastic method to feel bad about yourself and your progress on any given path. Looking at my master I cultivate the thought: “Sadly I am not him! But I could be like him – if I was just different. I wish I was different. Because deep down I hate myself!” See how clever I am doing this? I use the art of overthinking and comparing myself to others in one go. To be honest, I practiced a lot throughout the years. But soon you’ll be able to do the same, once you practice my secret 5 tips of how to be unhappy!
4 Always Make Sure to be Right
There are many benefits to being right. Other people will surely dislike your rightness – particularly when it points out their wrongness. Do you see how it works? Once they dislike your rightness they are likely to project their frustration on to your entire person, and that would be totally awesome. One of the best ways to get other people to hate you is by pointing out how wrong they are at all times – you will surely find lots of opportunities once you are more skilled.
Use all conversations to interrupt them and wait for your turn. Don’t listen to them! And if you do, make sure that you listen in order to find some mistakes in their presentation. Point them out right away and teach them how they could improve themselves. If you do this consistently, you might end up completely isolated as nobody wants to talk with you anymore. What a great way to get yourself into the position in which “nobody loves me” – that’s much pain, and it’s totally free!
5 Your Best Friends: Fear and Hope
Let me introduce you to two great companions on this beautiful path to unhappiness – fear and hope! Let them teach you how to live far away from the present moment. Always, absolutely ALWAYS, trust your various fears and hopes – they are a sure way to get you extremely wired in no time. The great thing is, they suggest you that life is something that’s in the future. And it’s either something to look forward to or something to be afraid of.
Let these two skillful companions embrace you totally and panic attacks, sleepless nights and broken relationships will be yours! All you gotta do is trust the gentle whisper of hope, when it tells you that the future holds a happy life. Essentially you want to stay as far away from this present moment as you can. Lured further and further away by hopes and fears you will find yourself drowning in anything but life.
How to be Unhappy – and STAY Unhappy!
Well done, friends! This completes my masterful tutorial on how to be unhappy. Always remember that you are right and entitled. Make sure to believe every word that your mind tells you and follow your friends fear and hope into an unhappy and terrible future in which you will regret your past to the fullest! Stay unconscious, lost in thoughts and watch the news regularly to keep feeding your distress.
Stay away from gratitude, mindfulness and kindness. You want to surround yourself with influential and powerful negative thinkers. Avoid exercise, regular sleep and healthy foods. Stay attached to screens and phones at all times and avoid to look at yourself with honesty. Lecture people about how they too can be as gloriously unhappy as you once they admit that they have been wrong all along. All it takes is a first step!